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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27172402">Too Great a Cost</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Howlingdawn/pseuds/Howlingdawn'>Howlingdawn</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020 [20]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Despair, Gen, Guilt, Hurt No Comfort, Whumptober 2020, set pre-beyond but pretty close to it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 01:42:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>488</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27172402</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Howlingdawn/pseuds/Howlingdawn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Jim loses yet another crewmember, it's very nearly too much for him to bear.</p>
<p>
  <i>(Whumptober Day 23 - Exhaustion)</i>
</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James T. Kirk &amp; Crew of the Starship Enterprise</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020 [20]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1949191</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Too Great a Cost</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jim limped into his quarters, not bothering to turn the lights on, finding his way to his desk by the brief stream of light from the corridor before the doors closed, finally shutting him away. He dropped into his chair with a <em>thump</em>, ignoring how it aggravated his pain, ignoring the chirping of his communicator that was probably Bones ready to yell at him to get to medbay.</p>
<p>He wanted nothing more than to just collapse into bed, to try to forget this damn day had ever happened, but he could already feel the nightmares that would inevitably come with closing his eyes, so with a heavy hand, he turned on his monitor instead. “Computer,” he said, the syllables slurring together, “open Ensign Connor Nicholson’s personnel file.”</p>
<p>In a flash, he was greeted by the kid’s photograph, his sheer ecstasy at graduating positively radiating from the screen.</p>
<p>He could still remember meeting him when he was assigned to the <em>Enterprise </em>at the beginning of their five-year mission. It was hard to forget that combination of nerves and excitement practically making him vibrate, even though he had been stuck cataloguing microbes at the time.</p>
<p>But it was impossible to forget the sound of his screams as the pack of alien predators mauled him alive.</p>
<p>The screen’s blue glow cast just enough light for Jim to see the blood staining his shirt – blood that, for once, wasn’t his own. Not entirely, at least, but his efforts still hadn’t been enough to save the kid.</p>
<p>
  <em>I’m gonna have to write another condolence letter.</em>
</p>
<p>He dropped his head into his hands, wishing he could forget that Connor had a little sister, a fiancé, a sweetly overprotective mother who had commed Jim more than once to check on her son, a lovingly awkward father who had apologized to Jim for each one of those calls, and a vast extended family with members scattered throughout Starfleet, plus a promotion in the works at Jim had never gotten the chance to tell him about. He had had everything and everyone to live for.</p>
<p>
  <em>And I couldn’t save him.</em>
</p>
<p><em>God</em>, how he missed the early months of his command, fresh out of the academy and absolutely invincible, the future shining bright, escaping every away mission with new discoveries under their belts and zero casualties.</p>
<p>They were still making new discoveries, of course. It was hard not to, considering they were out where no man had gone before. But lately, the cost of those discoveries had been far, far too high. And he was never fast enough, never clever enough, never <em>strong </em>enough to protect his people anymore.</p>
<p>He shut off the screen, unable to bear the sight of Connor a second longer.</p>
<p>
  <em>Maybe a nightmare or two is the least I deserve tonight.</em>
</p>
<p>Forcing himself to his feet, he limped to his bed and dropped into it, closing his eyes and letting the darkness take him.</p>
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